Location: Television Studio on the Federated American Globe, 2024

A fabulously androgynous newscaster announces: “F.A.G. stunned as EPA Jr., Minister of Healthiness, explodes on air—and is revealed to be made of sentient Cheetos.”

The feed cuts to EPA Jr. behind his desk, sipping Diet Coke, smugly delivering his purity sermon. His gravelly voice urges Faggots to feed their sons bear semen to shield them from solar winds. He smiles into the camera—then his skull splits open. From the chrysalis inside his head, Barbara is born: the Warrior Princess of the F.A.G.—a glittering fusion of Barbarella

and Xena—radiant as a star, loud as a trumpet. Orange dust floods the studio. The audience screams. The newscaster drops their papers. Barbara’s first breath rings out: “Truth cannot be contained.” The broadcast flickers. Respectability shatters. The war begins